If you’ve ever mourned the loss of a loved one, perhaps you have heard comments like these about grief:

• “You need to move on.”
• “He’s in a better place.”
• “You should be over this by now.”

But what if you are not ready to move on, you don’t believe that life is “better” without your loved one, and you are still in the process of grieving?

Guess what? You are probably experiencing a normal period of mourning on your own terms, not someone else’s.  It is generally accepted that individuals dealing with negative circumstances go through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance; however, not everyone cycles through these stages in a linear fashion. Other people may not go through all of these particular steps, or they may find themselves stuck and simply feeling lost without understanding why. 

In reality, there is no set timeline or specific process for managing grief. 

Nor does grief always relate to losing a friend or loved one. For example, perhaps a pet that recently passed away served as a beloved companion, and the loss has greatly impacted you. In other cases, a person may mourn the ending of a career, a marriage, or their children leaving the home. One could even be sad about the loss of “what could have been,” such as not being able to travel after retirement, not being able to bear children, or never finding true love. 

Even a trial setback that seems inconsequential to one person might seem monumental to another. 

Speaking from personal experience, although it was truly a very small thing to lose, I found that the experience of having a molar extracted was physically, financially, and emotionally painful. The dental assistant assured me that many people cry when they have a tooth pulled, as it often brings a sense of remorse about losing a part of one’s self. 

In my case, I was angry and upset that I had not taken care of my teeth when I was a teenager, and I was frustrated that a root canal did not successfully resolve the problem. Having a tooth removed and replaced is an expensive process, it is painful, and requires many additional dental visits. Sure, it is a first-world problem, and I may choose to forgo having it replaced. However, upon reflection, I realized that I equated losing a tooth with facing the ongoing aging process, and I am not yet ready to admit that I have likely lived more years in the past than I will live in the future.

To “memorialize” my tooth, I decorated a rock to add to the other stones that line the Paul Henry Trail on a portion of the trail near our office in Middleville. I often walk by the various stones and ponder the meaning behind the artists’ designs. 

Research has shown that creating a memorial or tribute to a loved one is a proven method to help bring a sense of peace and closure. In my case, picking a rock, planning the design, and painting a silly motto helped me to see the issue from a better perspective, and I was able to remind myself that all I really lost was a tooth. The “trooth” is that it wasn’t such a big deal after all. Even though it is an inconvenience, it reminds me that I am human and that I am grateful for the parts of my body that are healthy!

No matter what the circumstances of your loss, please know that it is acceptable to experience a wide range of emotions. It is okay to cry, and feelings of grief and anger are normal…and it is healthy to express your feelings and to share them with friends and family members. 

However, if you become stuck in a downward spiral of emotions, exhibit self-destructive or self-harming behaviors, or have trouble managing your emotions, you may benefit from seeking counseling services with a licensed therapist. Each person’s needs vary, and you may discover that only a handful of sessions are necessary to deal with your current concerns. Sometimes just feeling “heard” is enough to provide a breakthrough, and we enjoy traveling with each person on their unique journey toward healing and wellness. 

If you would like to talk to a licensed therapist regarding grief, we would love for you to schedule a visit.  Please call us at 269-205-2402 to schedule an appointment (in-person or virtual).

Brenda Gonyou